She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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