So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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