Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
