you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
