I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
