Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Randomize
