Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
