Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
