im having a threesome with these popsicles
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
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