You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
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