oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Randomize
