i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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