DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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