I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
