I cannot find my penis.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
tell him if he brings over dinner you might let him see your left boob...or right, whichever you prefer. But under no circumstances do you let him see both...unless he brings a good desert...like coffee ice cream or something
Randomize
