i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
