I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
