This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
How does it feel to date your dad?
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
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