Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
Randomize
