It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
