Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Randomize
