I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
COCAINE IS GR8
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
