i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
