I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
