he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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