I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
