I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
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