i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
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