Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
