If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
