I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
