i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
