Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
