I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
