so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
