Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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