every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
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