This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
