the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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