I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
