I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
