k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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