It was confusing and full of hummus
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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