i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
