Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
he's gonorrhea incarnate
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
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