just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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