I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
