Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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