Kareoke will never be a sober sport
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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