She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
