You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
