I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
