I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Who’s got two thumbs and just got laid in the administration building?
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
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