Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
