dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
