tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
i believe in u and ur pee
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize