i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
I'm like, not good at living.
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
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