I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Randomize
