If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
meet me or not, i'm out of control
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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