Already got asked if we're dating
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
