went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Randomize
