Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
