my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
The best revenge is premature balding
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
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