Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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