she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
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