So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
